Rabbi Amy Rader officiated her son Caleb’s wedding to Jess in South Florida. A personal reflection on love, Torah, and the sacred work of marrying your own child.

When the Rabbi Is Also the Mom

Officiating My Son Caleb’s Wedding  |  By Rabbi Amy Rader, The Neshamah Institute

Officiating a wedding is holy work on any ordinary day. Standing under the chuppah with your son is something else entirely. Over the course of the wedding weekend in January, I was able to share some teachings as both a rabbi and a mom. 

“Let’s Go Out to the Garden”

From the beautiful Hebrew love song, Erev Shel Shoshanim, we meet the image of a couple going out to the garden. 

Let’s go out to the garden, where roses and myrrh await. Evening of roses, let me whisper a song to you.

A marriage is not a grand proclamation made in a stadium. It is an invitation. A whispered song. Two people stepping away from the noise of the world and into a private sacred space they have built together.

When I think about Caleb and Jess, I think about the garden they have been quietly building for years. A tiny New York apartment, elbow to elbow. Broadway shows, sports games, the quest for the perfect kosher burger. A move to Boca, a dog named Mickey, evenings watching Homeland, Paris. Jess showing up to every family Shabbat, every High Holy Day, Vermont, Hilton Head, graduation, until she wasn’t a guest at our table anymore. Jess became family and at home wherever we were.

They were smiling as I was reminiscing about their journey to the wedding chuppah.

Roots and Wings

At  Shabbat dinner, I wanted to share something about the blessings we give our children on Friday nights, because those blessings say something profound about what Jess and Caleb are building together. 

For daughters, we say: may God make you like Sarah, Rebecca, Rachel, and Leah. The matriarchs who created home. Sarah’s tent had open sides so guests could enter from any direction. That welcoming spirit is what the matriarchs gave us. Jess embodies that warmth and welcoming spirit.

For sons, we say something different: may God make you like Ephraim and Menashe. People always ask, why not the patriarchs? Here is what we know about Ephraim and Menashe: they grew up far from home, in Egypt, surrounded by a culture not their own, and they still figured out who they were. They had to be brave enough to remain themselves in unfamiliar territory.

The spiritual message for marriage: you need both. Roots and wings. Holding on and letting go.

There is a beautiful old Jewish custom that when a child was born, families would plant a tree. A cedar for a boy, a pine for a girl. When that child grew up and married, they would cut down those trees and use the wood to build the chuppah. The wedding canopy was literally made from the trees that had grown up alongside them.

The strongest trees have deep roots and branches that reach toward the sky. Some seasons, Jess would be the roots while Caleb spread his wings. Other times, Caleb would hold steady while Jess ventured into something new. And sometimes they would both need wings together: quit the job, take the trip, say yes to the adventure. 

It was such a gift to escort them into their wedding Shabbat with the richness of our Jewish tradition.

Under the Chuppah

The ceremony itself was a magical mix of sacredness and pure joy. There were moments when I was fully the rabbi, present and focused on the ketubah, the seven blessings, the glass that shattered as everyone cheered, Mazel Tov. 

And there were moments when I was simply an Ima, watching her child step into his blessing, breathing carefully to hold both things at once.

The chuppah is open on all four sides, welcoming the world, vulnerable to wind and weather, yet held up by the people standing around it. Just like the trees planted at birth, whose wood eventually becomes the canopy. It was so moving to see that everything Jess and Caleb had planted before this moment was now blossoming.

Their Names

Woven through everything that weekend was the meaning of their Hebrew names.

Caleb’s Hebrew name is Kalev, כָלֵב: wholehearted. The biblical Kalev was the scout who, when everyone else was paralyzed with fear, declared עָלֹה נַעֲלֶה – we can surely go up. Not because the path was easy, but because he had the courage to believe it was possible. That is my son.

Jess’s Hebrew name is Naomi, נָעֳמִי: sweetness, pleasantness. The biblical Naomi endured devastating loss, yet through Ruth’s loyalty her life was transformed back to sweetness. Ruth’s words: כִי אֶל־אֲשֶׁר תֵלְכִי אֵלֵךְ – where you go, I will go. Jess has been living those words for years. She walked into our family and made herself at home, quietly, gently, respectfully and lovingly.

 When you bring Kalev and Naomi together, wholeheartedness and steadfast sweetness, roots and wings, you create something sacred that blesses all of us lucky enough to be in their midst.

My Personal Wedding Blessing for Jessica and Caleb:

May your love grow like those ancient trees, strong enough to shelter others, flexible enough to bend in the wind, reaching always toward the light. May your home be filled with Shabbat peace and weekday adventure. May you always find your way back to each other, no matter how far you roam. May your roots intertwine so deeply that nothing can shake you, and may your branches grow so wide that everyone you love finds shade beneath them.

And may you wake up years from now, look at each other, and think: Yes. You. Still you. 

Always you.

It was the honor of a lifetime to stand under the chuppah with my son and my new daughter. Thank you Jess and Caleb for every moment (the sweet and the slightly stressful!) on the journey to your chuppah. It is all part of your story and I’m so proud of each of you for the light  you bring as individuals and as a couple to our world.

I love you!

Planning a Jewish wedding in South Florida? Rabbi Amy Rader officiates deeply personal, meaningful ceremonies for couples of all backgrounds. Learn more at niboca.org/weddings